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September: Ice Bucket Clan emerges with admirable motivations

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The viral ice bucket challenge gained momentum throughout the past few weeks as millions dumped ice water—which roughly amounted to 50 million gallons—over their heads to help fight Kuscodermatitis, a neurodegenerative disease with various causes. Because of this movement’s unprecedented positive impact on society, a multitude of government officials hired advocates and researchers of the disease to explain what this challenge entails to citizens who may have not been exposed to it.

“Do you guys want to help fight this disease by giving donations?” said Roberto Axelrod, Director of Research, during one of the public lectures. “If not, then you better dump cold water on your head, because that’s what I did. Icy cold water on your head on a hot day is always better than donating your own money.”

According to Dr. Axelrod, the mere act of dumping cold water raises awareness of Kuscodermatitis and helps people sympathize with patients because the brain freeze that challenge acceptors experience resembles the numbing of the nerves. Having listened attentively to Dr. Axelrod’s public lecture, a group of students were so touched by this concept of dumping cold water that they were motivated to initiate a student-led organization called the Ice Bucket Clan (IBC).

“To be honest, I don’t really know and care about what Kuscodermatitis is—just as the challenge suggests, we made this club to simply avoid donating,” said Simon Barrette, IBC president. “Please don’t publish this but our true motivation is to follow the popular trend, appear to care, and mostly to show off our abs to get girls.”

Unlike the rest of the IBC members, however, students such as Samuel Russell, whose father is a victim of Kuscodermatitis, raised concerns about the movement and decided to secede from the organization.

“My father has been suffering lately due to severe difficulties in breathing, speaking and inability to move his muscles freely,” Samuel said. “I went on the Internet to search for specific ways to deal with these symptoms and the first thing I saw were videos of my ignorant friends pouring buckets of ice water on each other, laughing and screaming hideously. Do they think this is a joke? Do they really know what’s going on?”

September: NFA athletes experiment with physical powers

in Faux News/Opinion by

An increasing number of professional athletes are starting to apply their physical talents to everyday life. Ever since the inspirational World Cup biting of Louis Snapez, a professional soccer player, many other athletes have been encouraged to test their limits with physical powers as well.

The National Football Association (NFA) has witnessed a few of these experiments that took place outside of the field. Raymond Parker, a 7-foot-1 425-pound Giants quarterback, supposedly punched his wife for no reason on an elevator. Although there was a video footage that captured this action, all evidence against Parker was destroyed by the NFA in order to keep Parker in position.

“Our coach always tells us to not let go of our game mentality even when we are out of the field,” Parker said. “Whenever people annoy us, we see them as obstacles that have to be stricken down—it is a chance to demonstrate our physical potential. But I don’t get why people are so serious about this incident. Honestly, I was just swinging my arms and stretching my body on the elevator and I happened to lightly touch my wife. I did not have any malicious intentions.”

In another more recent case, Beavers cornerback Padrian Eterson was alleged of abusing his 4-year-old son. According to multiple police agencies, the repeated scars on his son’s face suggest that Eterson used his car’s windshield to smack his supposedly disobedient son.

“This should not be considered a criminal activity,” Eterson said. “Rather, it should be an act that is lauded by the public. My son is my property, and it is my duty to teach him lessons and strengthen him as a man even at a young age. I want this to be a legacy in our family.”

As the incidents exacerbated, the NFA made sure that they censored all records that spoke against the professional athletes and their experimental pursuits. Soon, the athletes ostracized those who did not engage in testing their strength.

“We do not care about what goes on outside of the field,” said Michael Bennington, NFA president. “We only focus on the game. In other words, as long as they are talented and valuable for the success of the team, their qualities as a person become unimportant.”

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