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Sarah’s Stuff People Say

Stuff People Say About Censorship

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You can’t bring up drugs or alcoholism in a school publication. Even a music review! This is a school, a learning environment.

Yes, we understand. We high school students are pure and virginal and we must do everything to avoid corrupting our fragile little minds!

Tiger Times: This article will spark controversy! It will provoke the anger of the student body! We must be sensitive, considerate journalists.

I admire our industry! Who are we kidding, though? Hardly anyone reads our work.

Advisers and administrators: Violence? Blood?! Oh God, the horror! This can’t be published!

In class we are forced to read about the (spoiler alert!) death of Piggy, the gory sexual fantasies of Winston Smith, and mankind’s violent history. In our spare time we play violent video games, watch “Game of Thrones,” entertain dark thoughts when we see that 90 percent on Powerschool, and (figuratively) plot murder against our competitors. We still aren’t okay with all that cranberry juice, however. This is an educational environment, after all.

Tiger Times exercises the right to report on and editorialize all topics, events or issues, including those unpopular or controversial, insofar as they affect or interest the school, community, nation and world.

I suppose that explains why we aren’t allowed to write about conflicts between the two Koreas. Or our tensions with Japan. Or the East Sea naming dispute. Or stickers and new textbooks! Or underage [censored], or [censored], or [censored], or our opinions on controversial policies by the Korean government.

And of course, that explains why we weren’t allowed to write about revenge porn last year. (Oh wait, because apparently “there is no such thing; the naked human body is an art form!” Continue spreading the art, creeps)

All comments were written in good fun, but were censored. Please don’t hate. Appreciate the administration.

Stuff Seniors Say During College App Season

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Snobby senior (ooh alliteration!): Why is he/she applying to MY school? He/she’s not even qualified! Look at him/her, then look at ME: look at all of MY accomplishments! You see? You see?!

Wow really wow amazing. Either you’re incredibly self-assured or incredibly insecure, or a despicable combination of both. Whatever the case is, stay away from me, for both of our sakes.

Did you hear? [Insert name] is applying early to [insert HYPS school] and [insert name] is applying early to [insert HYPS school] and [insert name] is applying early to [insert HYPS school] and [insert name] is applying early to [insert HYPS school]!

You call that news? I have news for you. [Insert name] is only applying early to Georgetown University! Wow! Isn’t that shocking! His/her standards are so low!

College apps are so hard. They take up so much of my time! I can’t get any sleep!

Not if you’re an especially privileged SIS’er and you’re getting your apps written for you.

How is it that everyone knows where I am applying?

Maybe it’s because somebody rummaged through files lying around that they weren’t supposed to rummage through, but if that’s not the case, you should have known better than to tell your diary or your little pals. At Shady International School, there are no secrets.

What is life? Why is life? Who am I and why am I here on this planet?

According to your college essays, life is a very beautiful valuable thing and you are on this planet to make Harvard a better place and this world a better place and to become a future world leader. Maybe, for convenience’s sake, you may want to stick with those lies for the following months.

Disclaimer: All comments are in good fun. Please don’t hate. Appreciate the humor.

Stuff freshmen and delusional overachievers say

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I’m going to join six clubs, get executive positions for all of them, play three sports, and get 99% minimum in all my classes and become valedictorian so that I’ll get into HYPS (Harvard, Yale, Princeton, Stanford), all the while managing my time so well that I’ll sleep at least six hours every day of my high school career!

That’s cute. No, seriously. That’s really adorable. Good luck with that.  

2350 isn’t actually a good SAT score.

That’s easy for you to say, seeing as you’re probably getting hours and hours of extra help (and, dare I say, a preview of the actual test you’re going to take?) Oh, and speaking of SATs, do you know what it means to be benighted, parochial, overweening, impudent, and imbecilic? Not that you’re any of those things. Just testing your vocabulary!

UMich is my safety school.

Fun fact: 25 people in last year’s graduating class applied early for the University of Michigan, and only five got accepted. Please do yourself a favor and get off your high horse, because once you get your college results and learn you didn’t get into UMich or Carnegie Mellon or Georgetown or Cornell or any of your other “safety” schools, you’ll wish you’d kept your mouth shut.

This is so unfair! Why didn’t the teacher give me a 100%? He’s so harsh!

Harsh? You want harsh? Go on complaining about your 98% and I’ll give you harsh.

Grow up, kid. Welcome to high school.

Stuff HSSC says

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Candidate: We need change! SIS needs change! And we need it as soon as possible! Vote for me as your class president!

Here we go again. A speech about change, action, etc. We’ve spent eight years watching President Obama struggle to live up to his promises. And candidate, I think you said this last year too, shortly before you were chosen. If SIS is still in need of change when you were in the council this past year it might mean that you haven’t fulfilled your own promises. Just food for thought!

On the 2015 Prom: We designed Moments to be not only resplendent and magnificent, but more graceful and unblemished than ever before. To do that, we couldn’t just shave a technicality here, an aspect there. So we started from scratch, reinventing each essential element as part of a singular, deceptively simple event. It’s everything there is to love about prom. In its purest form ever.

What is this, an advertisement for the new iPhone? Wow, it’s gotten a few millimeters thinner! Gird your loins everybody!

On cheating: Cheating at SIS is a serious problem, and we want to address it! Here’s an honor code made by the Student Improvement Committee that we want you to sign before taking your exam. Oh, and come to a presentation by our junior class president on cheating!

Because clearly, you guys are all shining examples of academic integrity, and are therefore totally qualified in giving long sermons to the unruly, immoral populace. What makes you think we’re not going to take you seriously?

Candidate: You need someone who will serve you, someone who is dedicated, responsible, etc. Someone who truly cares about his/her fellow students.

Yeah. And I suppose when you join all those community service clubs, it’s not because you want to make your college app look nice, it’s because you care so much about starving children in Africa. And when you fail to get executive positions in those clubs you’re not crying because you can’t help those poor little children, you’re crying because you can’t get into Harvard. Not that you really had a chance to begin with. Anyway, thanks for caring!

Disclaimer: All comments are in good fun. Please don’t hate. Appreciate the humor.

Stuff People Say About Their Love Lives

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Single teen: Oh my god, nobody wants me. I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life.

Please. Youre a teenager, for crying out loud. You have plenty of time to get it on in the future, if thats what youre worried about. If all fails, you can enjoy the perks of being a single cat lady, something I hope to become!

Infatuated teenagers: He/she is so hot! I love him/her.

Wow! That hot body shows so much about his/her personality! How ironic, considering the fact that we always preach about how it doesnt matter what we look like on the outside so long as were beautiful on the inside. If that person were not conveniently equipped with physical beauty would he/she still mean so much to you?

Lovelorn youngsters: I’m so depressed. He/she doesn’t care about me, but he/she’s my everything, etc; etc;

You must have a pretty pointless life if someone at SIS of all places is your everything because he/she is a bit more attractive than everyone else. And as you know, he/she doesnt even care about you. Why bother? As the saying goes, there are plenty of other fish in the sea. But go ahead and carry on being a self-pitying, crying wimpno one will bother putting up with you.

Clueless guy: How should I ask a girl out? Face-to-face, or chat?

Oh, chat, definitely! How romantic! Those passionate emoticons, that poetic, minimalistic chat language…all these make us girls weak to the knees.

Girls: Why aren’t there any hot guys at SIS? There’s nobody I want to date.

A more important question we might want to ask ourselves: why arent there any intelligent, perceptive guys who can see how beautiful our shallow minds are? Its funny how we often accuse guys of being unable to look past the exterior. We girls are guilty, too. 

Disclaimer: All comments are in good fun. Please don’t hate. Appreciate the humor.

 

Stuff People Say About Cheating

in Opinion/Sarah's Stuff People Say by
  1. Naive teachers: I know you guys all have the same test, but I trust you won’t talk about the test to the other classes!
    It warms my heart to know that we still have teachers who have so much faith in us. Poor, innocent things! Well, at least they’re not cynics who assume that we all cheat because we’re Korean. I’ve had enough of those.
  2. Student to other student: Why aren’t you telling me what came out on the test?
    Why didn’t you just study? People like you are always boasting about how you outsmarted your teachers. Why the sudden self-doubt? Surely you’re clever enough to try taking a test without relying on everyone else!
  3. A-day students: It’s so unfair! The B-day students already know all the answers.
    What intelligence, A-day students. I wonder why?
  4. Teachers: You guys have a serious problem with cheating at this school.
    I couldn’t agree more, but maybe if you made different test questions for every class, cheating wouldn’t be so easy. Don’t sweat it though! The revolutionary SIS Honor Code will fix everything.
  5. Teacher during test: Yes, you may go to the bathroom.
    A student who is spending more than ten minutes in a bathroom during a test probably isn’t urinating: he’s probably cheating. Or maybe he really is constipated. Who knows? With no bathroom monitors, dark deeds go unaddressed.

Disclaimer: All comments are in good fun. Please don’t hate. Appreciate the humor.

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