September: NFA athletes experiment with physical powers

in Faux News/Opinion by

An increasing number of professional athletes are starting to apply their physical talents to everyday life. Ever since the inspirational World Cup biting of Louis Snapez, a professional soccer player, many other athletes have been encouraged to test their limits with physical powers as well.

The National Football Association (NFA) has witnessed a few of these experiments that took place outside of the field. Raymond Parker, a 7-foot-1 425-pound Giants quarterback, supposedly punched his wife for no reason on an elevator. Although there was a video footage that captured this action, all evidence against Parker was destroyed by the NFA in order to keep Parker in position.

“Our coach always tells us to not let go of our game mentality even when we are out of the field,” Parker said. “Whenever people annoy us, we see them as obstacles that have to be stricken down—it is a chance to demonstrate our physical potential. But I don’t get why people are so serious about this incident. Honestly, I was just swinging my arms and stretching my body on the elevator and I happened to lightly touch my wife. I did not have any malicious intentions.”

In another more recent case, Beavers cornerback Padrian Eterson was alleged of abusing his 4-year-old son. According to multiple police agencies, the repeated scars on his son’s face suggest that Eterson used his car’s windshield to smack his supposedly disobedient son.

“This should not be considered a criminal activity,” Eterson said. “Rather, it should be an act that is lauded by the public. My son is my property, and it is my duty to teach him lessons and strengthen him as a man even at a young age. I want this to be a legacy in our family.”

As the incidents exacerbated, the NFA made sure that they censored all records that spoke against the professional athletes and their experimental pursuits. Soon, the athletes ostracized those who did not engage in testing their strength.

“We do not care about what goes on outside of the field,” said Michael Bennington, NFA president. “We only focus on the game. In other words, as long as they are talented and valuable for the success of the team, their qualities as a person become unimportant.”

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