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Faux News Fair and Balanced: Plague Outbreak causes mass school exodus


By Joyce Lee

In response to a breakout of Streptococcus powerschoolia in the chemistry room, AP Chemistry students have migrated to various parts of the school, filling in other available AP classrooms instead.

S. powerschoolia has been identified as a Biohazard Level 4 disease, along with diseases such as the Ebola virus and smallpox. As such, the majority of AP Chemistry students flocked to the counseling office to change their classes to one that does not contain an outbreak of S. Powerschoolia. However, refugee-status students have met with resistance at various stages of their migration.

“Our discussion class used to be so small and cozy,” said Intol Errant (12), an AP Seminar student. “Now all of these students from AP Chemistry come and take our discussion-based class. Make Seminar Great Again, is what I say. Everyone knows AP Chemistry students are drug-dealing loons. We should build a wall to keep them out, and use their drug money to pay for it.”

In an effort to rebuild the destroyed AP Chemistry community, the administration has informed migrant students that S. Powerschoolia has been eradicated from the AP Chemistry classroom. However, students are reluctant to return to the chemistry classroom.

“How can administration confidently say that they have removed S. Powerschoolia from the classroom?” Sin Ickal (11) said. “I mean, I love science, so I really do want to return to AP Chemistry, but I love my new home in AP Psychology. Turns out I like learning about how the human mind works more than calculating the theoretical yield of a combustion reaction! Also, AP Psychology doesn’t have an outbreak of S. Powerschoolia, so it is safe to learn in AP Psychology without being worried about being contaminated by the disease.”

Currently, the AP Chemistry community is experiencing a horrifying population decline, going from over 80 students to less than 12 enrolled students over the last week. Global organizations fear severe consequences: in the short term, scheduling problems, and in the long term, cultivating future generations of chemistry-despising students.

“It’s not like I enjoyed taking chemistry,” Diz Gusted (12) said. “But with the added danger of catching S. Powerschoolia, I have decided to never study chemistry again. I told my teacher that I have problems balancing my schedule when I left, but honestly, I don’t think I’ll go within a 100 meter radius of that infected lab again.”

Sadly, many students are experiencing deportations. Because of various cultural conflicts between the refugee-status chemistry students and the original populace of the classes that they populated, many escapee AP Chemistry students had no choice but to return to their old home in the chemistry classroom.

“We’re devastated,” Deb Pressed (11) said. “I thought the AP Environmental Science class was welcoming to our group of twenty escapees, but evidently not, because ten of us were forcibly returned to this contaminated room. Hopefully I don’t catch S. Powerschoolia, because it’s such a horrifying, fatal disease.”