I’m going to join six clubs, get executive positions for all of them, play three sports, and get 99% minimum in all my classes and become valedictorian so that I’ll get into HYPS (Harvard, Yale, Princeton, Stanford), all the while managing my time so well that I’ll sleep at least six hours every day of my high school career!

That’s cute. No, seriously. That’s really adorable. Good luck with that.  

2350 isn’t actually a good SAT score.

That’s easy for you to say, seeing as you’re probably getting hours and hours of extra help (and, dare I say, a preview of the actual test you’re going to take?) Oh, and speaking of SATs, do you know what it means to be benighted, parochial, overweening, impudent, and imbecilic? Not that you’re any of those things. Just testing your vocabulary!

UMich is my safety school.

Fun fact: 25 people in last year’s graduating class applied early for the University of Michigan, and only five got accepted. Please do yourself a favor and get off your high horse, because once you get your college results and learn you didn’t get into UMich or Carnegie Mellon or Georgetown or Cornell or any of your other “safety” schools, you’ll wish you’d kept your mouth shut.

This is so unfair! Why didn’t the teacher give me a 100%? He’s so harsh!

Harsh? You want harsh? Go on complaining about your 98% and I’ll give you harsh.

Grow up, kid. Welcome to high school.