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People who really should have run for HSSC


The HSSC executive council revealed class council candidates on June 1, preparing for the upcoming class council elections. While there were many respectable candidates, students expressed disappointment that their favorite people did not run for office. Faux News has gathered a list of favorite potential candidates with lost potential.

  1. Costco Bagel

Costco Bagel was new to the school this year, but she didn’t let that get in her way. Attracted to her strange perfume that somehow always smelled like the Costco bakery section, she soon amassed a cultish following, generating large lines to meet her in front of the HSSC Cartnivore. Her friends include Ms. Cream Cheese and Mr. Plastic Knife, who are often thrown in the garbage. Seasonally, she changed up her perfume. On Thanksgiving, she smelled like Pumpkin Pie for a week, and on Pi Day, she smelled like pizza.

  1. Trash “Blue” Bin

Contrary to Costco Bagel, Trash Bin has been at SIS for as long as any student or faculty can remember. He sits in every single class, simultaneously. Many have proposed the campaign slogan “here for you always” but Trash Bin is always modest and denies that he is loving and caring. Instead, he merely said that he “couldn’t run for office because students would just be voting for themselves.”

  1. JJ Lunch

Like Trash Bin, JJ Lunch has occupied the basement for a long time. Over the years, he went through several aesthetic overhauls, but nothing was able to change his overdone, fake personality. This year, however, JJ Lunch became a new man. Not only did he make investments into his appearance, like buying a black grill, but he also became much more tasteful in his comments and vibrant in attitude. Students often ran downstairs between classes and took a moment to talk to him. When approached for comment, his eyes were bloodshot as he furiously cooked up fried rice and muttered “contract…I mean contact renewal.”

  1. Cat

Cat. Many cat. Cat is fluffy. Cute cat. Go cat. Yay cat.

  1. Air Conditioner

Air conditioner is the only SIS student to not graduate since the main school building was built in 1972. Occasionally, she yawns with a banging noise, surprising every student in the room. Student opinions are split about Air Conditioner—her personality changes too often, and can change the temperature of the room significantly when she’s angry or pissed off. However, a quick survey of the school indicates that most students will be willing to vote for Air Conditioner. “After all, what would you guys do without me?” laughed Air Conditioner in an interview. “You don’t need those young fancy white energy efficient cousins of mine when I’m here!”




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