September: Ice Bucket Clan emerges with admirable motivations

in Faux News by

The viral ice bucket challenge gained momentum throughout the past few weeks as millions dumped ice water—which roughly amounted to 50 million gallons—over their heads to help fight Kuscodermatitis, a neurodegenerative disease with various causes. Because of this movement’s unprecedented positive impact on society, a multitude of government officials hired advocates and researchers of the disease to explain what this challenge entails to citizens who may have not been exposed to it.

“Do you guys want to help fight this disease by giving donations?” said Roberto Axelrod, Director of Research, during one of the public lectures. “If not, then you better dump cold water on your head, because that’s what I did. Icy cold water on your head on a hot day is always better than donating your own money.”

According to Dr. Axelrod, the mere act of dumping cold water raises awareness of Kuscodermatitis and helps people sympathize with patients because the brain freeze that challenge acceptors experience resembles the numbing of the nerves. Having listened attentively to Dr. Axelrod’s public lecture, a group of students were so touched by this concept of dumping cold water that they were motivated to initiate a student-led organization called the Ice Bucket Clan (IBC).

“To be honest, I don’t really know and care about what Kuscodermatitis is—just as the challenge suggests, we made this club to simply avoid donating,” said Simon Barrette, IBC president. “Please don’t publish this but our true motivation is to follow the popular trend, appear to care, and mostly to show off our abs to get girls.”

Unlike the rest of the IBC members, however, students such as Samuel Russell, whose father is a victim of Kuscodermatitis, raised concerns about the movement and decided to secede from the organization.

“My father has been suffering lately due to severe difficulties in breathing, speaking and inability to move his muscles freely,” Samuel said. “I went on the Internet to search for specific ways to deal with these symptoms and the first thing I saw were videos of my ignorant friends pouring buckets of ice water on each other, laughing and screaming hideously. Do they think this is a joke? Do they really know what’s going on?”

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